It’s Not Him, It’s You.

Hello again to my avid readers and welcome to newcomers! I want to cut right to the chase and discuss what I like to call the “n*ggas ain’t shit” narrative. When things don’t work out with a guy the first thing women tend to say is, “He wasn’t shit anyway” and “There aren’t any good guys left.” I’m not going to lie, even I have said some of these things. But ladies, let’s face it – the “men ain’t shit” excuse is just that, an excuse. We’re pointing the finger at them, playing the blame game, pen pointing all they do wrong but the pen seems to be broken when it comes to us. It’s not him sis, it’s you! We’re chasing good guys away with our behavior.


Some guys really are not shit. This includes but is not limited to cheaters, liars, abusers, rapists, unmotivated bums, deadbeat dads, and dudes that want to “talk” for a year without commitment. But some of them aren’t all that bad! I know it’s hard out here on the dating scene girl, trust me. But once I got a good one and started stressing him, I had to take a look at myself and realize that I was pushing an amazing person away because of my personal issues. There’s only so much drama a man can take.

When are we going to stop with the “I’m crazy. Take it or leave it” bs and start working on ourselves? We’re big bad women right? A real woman acknowledges her flaws. Sometimes I think to myself, I wouldn’t want to date me either! I’m not telling us to change who we are, but we have to start being more accountable (and chill tf out). Note: That doesn’t mean compromise for a dude who really isn’t shit. Nevertheless, here’s what a few dudes told me turns them away from a woman they’re dating/pursuing.

Nagging

Nagging makes your partner feel inadequate, resentful, and defensive. You can pester him all you want about seeing you more often or cleaning the bathroom. If he doesn’t want to do it, it ain’t happening. Men already have mothers and bosses. They didn’t sign up for you to be another.

Pettiness

Ya’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Snapchatting yourself singing Rihanna’s “Needed Me” in hopes that he’ll watch your story and get the hint. Texting him “goodnight.” (with the period) at 4 PM because you’re mad and still expecting him to text you back. See what being petty got Blac Chyna? Being petty may have you feeling like you have the upper hand for a moment, but you’re wasting time on revenge instead of letting that hurt go.

Insecurity

This one is tough, no doubt. I struggle with insecurity just like the next chick. Not every woman can have Queen Bey confidence. Not even Queen Bey herself. But sometimes you have to send yourself heart eyes. You feel me? Our insecurity turns into requiring constant validation from our men and it is draining them. We can only lean on the “my ex cheated so I have trust issues” crutch for so long.


Notice I keep saying “you, me, I, we” because I’m guilty of all 3 of these things. The only reason I feel that I can tell other women about themselves is because someone told me about myself. That made me dig deep and think about what I’m doing wrong in my relationships instead of saying “men ain’t shit”. I’m learning, growing, and hoping my sisters of all races and ages join me. ‘Cause it’s not just Black women who act like this. But that’s a story for another blog post. If you’re a man who thinks I left a huge pet peeve off the list, comment below!

No Justice, No Surprise

When are we going to get some fxcking justice for the innocent Black lives slain in the street?! My heart is broken over the not guilty verdict in the murder – yes, MURDER – of Philando Castile.

Castile was a 32-year-old cafeteria worker who was shot and killed by Officer Jeronimo Yanez on the evening of July 6, 2016 in Falcon Heights, Minnesota. He was shot at 7 times in front of his girlfriend and her 4-year-old daughter while reaching for his wallet during what he thought was a routine traffic stop. There were only 74 seconds between the moment Yanez turned on his police car lights to the moment he fired at Philando Castile.

Philando Castile


Seconds after Philando’s death, his girlfriend Diamond Reynolds shared the occurance in real time on Facebook live video, her child still in the backseat. I’m trying to set the scene so you all can realize how absolutely absurd this officer’s acquittal is. But the folks at MPR do a better job in the podcast 74 Seconds, which I have been listening to since before this verdict was announced yesterday.

If you all thought I was heated when I wrote about this last year, I’m completely outraged today. But at the same time, am I surprised? No. Cops continue to slaughter my people and get a slap on the wrist. Why did I expect Philando’s case to be any different? I guess I had a shred of hope because at least the cop was indicted this time. But maybe that hope was misplaced. I can’t expect a justice system that doesn’t give a shxt about Black people to get justice for Black people.

Philando was a gentle, caring guy according to his coworkers, family, and friends. But I wouldn’t care if he was a convicted felon or deadbeat dad. NOBODY deserves to have their life taken in that way. Over 5 years, Jeronimo Yanez only went through 2 hours of deescalation training. TWO. Why are cops still being taught to shoot on site and ask questions later?

I’m tired of crying about the same thing every year. We need some damn change. There has not been any justice, and I’m honestly not surprised.

Black Film Got Folks Shook

Hey everybody! I’m so sorry I haven’t written since March. I had my 22nd birthday in April and just graduated college a week and a half ago. For those who are curious, I graduated Magna Cum Laude from Rider University with a B.A. in graphic design and a double minor in advertising/web design. So holla at me if you’re hiring. For now, I’ve taken on a freelance marketing/design position at a non-profit in Bronx, NY in which I get to work from home.


In addition to graduating, my two friends and I treated ourselves to a “graduation vacation” to Jamaica and I just got back yesterday. I’m sharing all of this to get to today’s topic: the Netflix original series Dear White People. On the flight to Jamaica, I started watching the show and I ended up finishing it during my trip. I was blown away. Ya’ll thought Get Out had me shook? Racism, natural hair, homosexuality, gun violence – creator Justin Simien left no stone unturned with this one. Dear White People was even more relatable to me because my alma mater, Rider University,  was a PWI.


Although I may not be as radical as the main character Samantha White, here’s 5 quotes that had me screaming YASSS in agreement on the plane to Jamaica:

1. “So, nah, you don’t get to show up in a Halloween costume version of us and claim irony or ignorance.” -Sam

It’s 2017 and I’m no longer accepting excuses fueled by white privilege. Don’t play dumb honey.

2. “Dear white people, dating a Black guy to piss off your parents doesn’t make you down. It makes you an asshole.” -CoCo

Literally! Just because you mess with a Black guy or girl, you’re not suddenly cultured. You might listen to NWA with ya little boyfriend, but you still get to go home to The Hills.


3. “People take one look at my skin and assume that I’m poor, or uneducated, or ratchet. So yeah, I tone it down.” -CoCo

I felt for Coco because as a Black woman, I’m thought of as loud or angry when I’m just being my candid self. I’ve felt the need to tame my hair for interviews and put on my “White voice” during business calls.

4. “Sometimes being carefree and Black is an act of revolution.” -Jo

Rightt?!? I’m all for change, but I’m not usually the one to organize a protest or sit in. Proving racists wrong with my lifestyle is enough for me sometimes.

“I’ll bring some Beyoncé and blast ‘Freedom’.”


5. “Yeah we’re friends, but suddenly I’m supposed to give you ngga dispensation?” -Reggie

Rule of thumb: don’t say the N word if you’re not Black. Honestly, we shouldn’t even say it. But idc if you voted for Obama or you “have a Black friend”. It’s off limits.

6. “…wasting time, deciding who’s Black enough. Who cares if you’re woke or not if you’re dead?” -CoCo

Okay I had to add a 6th quote because this is super important. It doesn’t matter if you’re natural, wear a weave, come from Kenya, have one white parent, woke or not. We’re all Black and we’re all the same in the eyes of racists. Even 23-year-old Richard Collins III, who served this damn country, was seen as “other”. I’m tired of Black people being in competition with one another. We need togetherness now more than ever.

If you haven’t watched Dear White People, this is my plug for you to do so. Watch the movie of the same name too. If you have seen it, comment a good quote/scene I may have missed. Until next time xoxo

Gone Girls

There were arrests at Russian protests against Putin. Republicans aim for tax cuts. The Final Four is set for the NCAA basketball tournament. These are all on the front page of The New York Times’ national edition this morning. What’s missing? The Black girls who have vanished in Washington, D.C.

That’s what I thought to myself when I glazed over one of the most prominent publications in the country today. This past week I saw missing Black and Latina girls from the D.C. area all over social media. One post said that 14 girls had vanished in 24 hours. But as usual with foul play in the African American community, no one was talking about it besides people of color.

I started to think, “I can’t expect the same people who shoot our men dead in the street to find our girls.” But these juveniles of color couldn’t even get a 2 minute news segment? Thank God for social media or I wouldn’t have even known myself. Even Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey was given more coverage than these girls.

I knew I wanted to spread the word on Young, Black, and Opinionated, but not without getting the facts straight. And once I did my research, I realized there was more to the story. Inaccurate statements have been shared by celebrities and citizen journalists about the missing girls of D.C. Apparently, 14 girls did not go missing in 24 hours. The D.C. police has just been sharing missing persons fliers more frequently to get the word out. More on this and other misconceptions can be read here.

Despite the miscommunications about missing girls in D.C. one thing is true, no one’s looking out for us, but us. I don’t care if they ran away, were kidnapped, or trafficked. They’re still living breathing people and their safety matters. But it seems that our nation has bigger things to report on than the 500+ human beings who have disappeared in our captial this year.

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I think this pisses me off so much because I’m listening to to a true crime podcast right now where a filmmaker cracked open a cold case of a white woman  who has been missing in Georgia for 11 years. Mind you, this filmmaker has no relation to the woman. Just wanted to make a podcast and found her story interesting. Last week there was a break in her case. Missing for eleven years, people! There’s so much power in new emergent media like podcasts and social media. I’m proud that my people were quick to repost about the DC girls and raise awareness ’cause nobody else seemed to care.

I’ve said it before on here and I’ll say it again, Black women are the mule of society. If America were a totem pole, we would be at the bottom below white men, white women, and black men. Disagree if you want. That’s my opinion. Malcolm X described our neglect today best in 1962 , “The most disrespected person in America is the Black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the Black woman.”

R.I.P Romance

If you’ve been keeping up with my blog, you know I often share my opinion on relationships in this generation. So, it should be of no surprise, the week leading up to Vday, I sat back and asked myself “Is romance dead?” I didn’t just sit and talk to myself of course! I asked three males and three females that question. Here’s the consensus:

  1. People aren’t as creative these days.

Monet (@monetj):  I think sex has kinda replaced romance, but it’s not dead. It’s just on the back burner. Hmmm idk how to word it. Having sex may turn into y’all showing “romance” for each other as opposed to actually going out on dates and doing all that cute, movie stuff.

Cliff (@cudicliff): I think we are still romantic, but sometimes lack creativity, then, depend on just buying a Michael Kors bag or watch.

Justin (@allhailjp): I think Valentine’s Day is a great holiday to show your love to your partner. I think it’s one sided though and women only expect to get gifts. Not all women. I think women don’t put in enough thought toward men for any holidays. Women use sex as a gift, which I think is lazy, or a simple card and some Jordans. Women should think outside of the box more.

Let me interject here. Sex is not a gift. In my opinion, sex already comes with the territory of a relationship so it’s nothing “holiday worthy”. I agree, women expect to get gifts on Valentine’s Day and don’t put much thought into the giving. Both genders need to get a lot more creative though. I feel like if it’s real love, something from the heart will mean more than a flashy price tag. Write a love letter. Make a photo collage. Bake from scratch.

2. People are scared of getting played.

Justin (@allhailjp):  Romance is dead overall in 2017 because women are now openly stating that they’ll go out with a guy just to get a free meal, knowing they have no interest in him. Most guys I know don’t mind taking a woman out, but don’t feel like getting played or having her not appreciate anything.

Nija (@imvvn_): I don’t think romance is dead. I think a lot of guys honestly don’t know how to be romantic lmao like a lot of guys I’ve met don’t really know how to get in touch with their deeper emotional side and show a girl how much they really mean to them. This one guy told me sometimes they’re (guys) scared because they don’t want to be out here, I guess, opening up to a girl and doing all this sweet stuff and then the girl “makes them look stupid”.

Suavexguapo on Snapchat says that it takes a “real couple” to be romantic, “not boys and girls or nggas and btches”. Let’s stop there for a second. How long is this “getting played” concept going to stick around? If you’re the one playing, grow up. If you’re the one getting played, I’ve been played, faded, ghosted, and still put myself out there to find love. Not everyone is “a dub”, but you have to date smart to avoid taking an L. That’s all there is to it. Do not give bf/gf privileges to someone who is not your bf/gf. Remember that!

3. People are in competition due to social media pressure.

Al-Tece (@uncle.silk): I feel like romance is being dictated by what people see on social media and people have actually lost sight of what they want in a partner. People are so numb to reality, watching other people’s love and actually turning romance into a competition. Half the stuff people do for Valentine’s Day is to post it like “look what I got”. If they don’t get shxt, they don’t post lol. The world doesn’t need a day to show your love for someone, but this generation just took it overboard.

Justin (@allhailjp): I also think Valentine’s Day is a competition now amongst women to boast and brag about their gifts on social media. It’s also a way for brokenhearted women to complain “I’m my own valentine” or “Another year alone.”

I wish you all could see me shaking my head. First of all, your relationship is between you and your partner, not you and your 1,000 followers. There’s nothing wrong with showing off your loved one, heck, I like me a WCW too, but there’s a line being crossed today where some women are straight bragging. I say women because never in my life have I seen a man post what he got for Vday. Second, if you’re single on Vday, be single and shut up lol. Valentine’s Day is a made up holiday anyway and the happy couples posting will probably go back to fighting the next day. Everything that glitters ain’t gold.

I got a LOT of feedback on the question “Is romance dead?” Aspen (@asprenee) responded, “Love is dead. No one takes sh*t seriously anymore.” I thought that way too for a while. But I’ve finally decided that romance isn’t dead, it’s just evolving. What do you think?

Are Looks Everything?

Happy New Year from YBO! I love the new year because everyone is optimistic and setting goals. Good luck to you with all your resolutions in 2017.

Today I want to pose a question that I already know the answer to. Are looks everything? Anyone that isn’t a shallow a-hole knows that looks aren’t everything. So my real question to you guys is: how important are looks to you in a romantic relationship? I’m going to come off really vain in this post but PLEASE hear me out til the end.

I myself am no “ten”by society’s standards. I’ve got a double chin I easily hide on Snapchat and thunder thighs that look delectable with the right angle on Instagram. However, I believe that I’m an attractive girl that should be paired with an equally attractive mate. Yet, a lot of men who approach me are below my attractive level (in my opinion [maybe I’m uglier than I realize lol]). Someone else in the world may find them cute, but I don’t. We all have different tastes! If I’m not immediately attracted to a guy I pretty much shut him down right at the beginning. Then they ask why and things get awkward because I don’t want to deliver the heart crushing truth that I find them unattractive. I know I sound harsh but in my mind I’m doing us both a favor. They shouldn’t waste their time on someone who isn’t into them and I shouldn’t waste my time hoping they’ll grow on me. That seems like settling to me. Something I always preach to never ever do.

Recently, I started to think, what if I’m missing out on my best relationship yet because I’m only looking at these guys skin deep? You know they say the “ugly” ones are the most loyal (kidding)! But seriously, a guy who I consider to be a “six” could be the most respectful, loving, educated man to come into my life and I’ve been pushing them away because they don’t look like Lance Gross or Michael Ealy. Would I want someone shutting me down because I’m not Rita Ora?

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Even still, I’ve tried to give guys that I was not initially attracted to a chance. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t see myself jumping their bones. So to answer my own question, I think looks are important when entering a romantic relationship to a certain degree, but they are absolutely not everything. Let me rewind and tell you a short anecdote. In high school, I dated some guys who, looking back, were “hit” (sorry to them if they’re reading). I think it had a lot to do with my low self-esteem. There’s that settling again. Fast forward, I’ve gotten my heart broken, started to feel myself, and realized it was time to level up. Now, my standards are much higher.

These days, without that initial attraction, I can’t see myself with someone. There’s no way around it for me. I just don’t want to be staring across the alter at my husband in dismay. Perhaps because we grew up with visuals/looks/beauty standards in our faces 24/7, my generation puts too much stock into how people look. When in actuality, we should be focusing on how a potential lover treats us. *News flash* Looks fade, personality doesn’t.

There have been many scientific studies done on looks vs. personality. I was so undecided over this whole thing I read up on some of them. As you can imagine, the consensus was that looks help with initial impressions, but over time their value decreases and the importance of other factors increases. The most interesting thing I found in my reading was the “Exposure Effect”. In short, the Exposure Effect is the notion that the more you are exposed to something, you develop a taste for it. This explains why you hated that one song at first, but now you’re singing it in the shower after hearing it on the radio a dozen times. The same goes for people apparently. I have to admit, I’ve had some platonic male friends I didn’t find attractive. Then, the more I was around them I found myself crushing on them. Could the Exposure Effect make me fall in love with a “traditionally unattractive” dude one day?

Overall, the question “Are looks everything?” has made me think about my values and what is important to me in a romantic relationship. I thought my ex was soooo good looking (when others didn’t) and as it turned out he was the biggest dickhead I’ve ever met. One of my favorite artists, Andy Warhol, said that, “People should fall in love with their eyes closed.” I want us all to try to implement this into our lives. Because yes, I want someone I’m proud to show off. But I also want someone who surprises me with flowers, cares how my family is doing, asks me about the latest job I applied to, doesn’t mind me laughing loud on the train – you get the picture.

I hope this post hasn’t made you guys think I’m “bougie/boujee” (however you spell it) or that I think I’m America’s Next Top Model because I’m far from it. I’m just a 21-year-old gal trying to figure myself out, navigate the modern dating scene, and share my blunt opinion. Now that you’ve read my thoughts, comment your own! Are looks everything to you?

Dating in the Digital Age

First and foremost, I want to thank those that are still rocking with me and YBO! I started this blog over a year ago and I still love sharing my thoughts and opinions with you guys. I always say that I don’t care if I reach two people or two hundred, as long as I reach someone in a positive way. With that being said, I know I haven’t written in a month but you probably wouldn’t have time to  either if you had one semester left in college!

Speaking of college, as I look around at my peers and our general age group, I’m seeing a particular trend take off. Online dating has made it incredibly easy to “meet” someone and be in their bed by the end of that night. I’m not talking about your mom and dad’s eHarmony or Match.com. Apps like Tinder, Bumble, and OK Cupid allow you to “match” with someone near you geographically based on a few pictures and a short biography.

I’ve spent a little time on Tinder before and I’m sure you have too. If you say you’ve never even checked it out, you’ve got to be lying! The concept of it is great. Having hundreds of prospects at your fingertips beats trying to talk to one guy all night just to find out he has a girl at home. I don’t have to tell you that you don’t go on Tinder to meet your future spouse. While it’s possible to meet someone real with serious intentions, it’s not likely. The boldness of some of the dudes on there still surprises me though haha. I’m talking about the “If you’re not f*cking, it was nice knowing you” types. Like damn, nice meeting you too.

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Is it really meeting though? You swipe right cause they’re cute, they say they like movies, and they’re a Sagittarius or some similar dumb ish. Then in the DMs it’s always the same song and dance. “I don’t come on here much.” “I’m not sure what I’m looking for.” My only suggestion to weed out the bs is get the conversation off whatever app you’re on and into real life. I personally can tell a lot more about someone from FaceTiming than a Tinder conversation with days in between responses.

From there, you have to meet in person. I strongly believe that online dating cannot stay online. Ya’ll already know what I’m going to say next. A date in a public place is the best way to vet someone. If you just sucked your teeth at that you’re part of the problem with this generation. “Why do I have to spend $50 on a girl I’m not even sure about yet?” Where did I say spend $50? A picnic in the park with the free food from your crib is a date. Five dollar frozen yogurt is a date. Think outside the box! I can almost guarantee you that a girl is going to like you even more for being creative than leaving the waiter a $20 tip.

There’s a chance the date won’t go great. That is ok! If I told you guys all the bad dates I’ve been on, you would piss yourself from laughing at me. I got set tf up last Saturday and I’m too embarrassed to even share the story here. Don’t think of it as a waste of time or money. I’d rather a bad first date than get played for months. At least you know that person isn’t for you early on.

Aside from apps specifically for dating, other social media platforms have inadvertently presented opportunities to find that special someone. I’ve heard a few success stories come from Instagram. This makes a lot of sense to me, the IG investigator. With one glance at a stranger’s Instagram, I can tell you about their sense of humor, their morals, and which one of their followers they’re still messing with. Instagram is like a summary of someone’s life which does a lot more for you than their old Facebook interests linked to their Tinder.

In a perfect world, we would all go out and fall in love at first sight with someone in the frozen food aisle. But this isn’t a rom-com and people don’t talk to each other in real life anymore (more on that soon). Shoot your shot online (ladies too), allow them to show their true self, and proceed with caution. We have all these new ways to start a relationship (or get in someone’s pants). We just have to use them wisely.

Desperation Season

Ahhhh…do you smell that? Pumpkin spice, kettle corn, and the desperation to get chose. It must be cuffing season. You know, the time between September and February (can change based on weather and feelings) where everyone wants to get “cuffed up” to avoid being cold and alone all winter. No one with human emotions wants to be left cuddling their pillow this season, but I think it’s safe to say women are more pressed to make it past men’s tryouts than men are pressed to be our starting player. Fellas, all I ask is you don’t draft anyone this season if you don’t want her asking “what are we?” in March.

Personally, I may not settle down this season and that’s quite alright after being cuffed for a year (a cuffing that stayed on the shelf long after its expiration). But some girls are settling, begging, and going to extreme measures just to say they have a bae. In fact, this isn’t just a cuffing season issue. This is a year-round epidemic. Why are women, young and old, so obsessed with being in a relationship?


This question came to me the other day when I overheard my mom talking to her friend on the phone about how a lady they both knew was showing off her wedding ring. That would be normal if her fiance wasn’t a foreigner she never met, living in a different country. There’s plenty of guys out there searching for a green card that will wife the first woman they encounter online. However, if you have to go to the extreme like marrying a complete stranger to feel loved, you’ve got deeper issues. What makes women susceptible to these and less severe scams like situationships? Desperation. Whether it’s the need to prove themselves, low self-esteem, or daddy issues – all these women are trying to fill a hole in their lives with a man’s love.


Now, I completely understand that women are nurtures. It is in our DNA to love and get attention. Meeting someone online or in person and connecting with them to the point where you want to enter a relationship is fine. Relationships can be rewarding. But don’t say yes to the first guy who offers you a title because you’re tired of being the third wheel friend. You may see all your friends getting “chose” and get antsy, but settling for the wrong person can cost you big time. We should be vetting dudes until we know them backwards and forwards. Instead, a lot of women get  hooked onto the first guy that asks them out and ask questions about his character later. Then when he’s not what they actually want, they suck it up and stay – settling.

Even worse than settling is begging someone to be with you. If a man doesn’t want you, he doesn’t want you! Pushing a title on him is only going to make him run further away. If you think about it, begging is trying to persuade someone to do something they don’t want to do. Who wants a boyfriend who really doesn’t want to be in a relationship?

We as women need to be much more secure with ourselves and being alone. Bad dates you shouldn’t have agreed to and texting guys you don’t even like to “have something to do” are not only a waste of your time but make you look foolish. I’m not going to front, I get bored when my phone is dry. But texting no one is better than receiving “wyd” every hour from a guy I hope will grow on me. Find the good in the situation if you don’t get cuffed this fall/winter. You won’t have to buy a boyfriend a Christmas gift!

Comment your thoughts on these desperate women out here today. Don’t forget to like and share this post and more, here on YBO.

Let’s Talk About “It”

What feels better than jumping into a pool in August, can make you sweat like you just played ball for hours, and have you more in your feelings than Fantasia? For those still pretending to be virgins, I’m talking about sex. It’s about time I address the three letter word that holds more weight among my peers and I than the four letter word it’s supposedly paired with. For those with fake trust issues who just want a nut, that four letter word is love.

We were all probably told different versions of the same story at some point. “When a man loves a woman…” *skips the intimate details* “…and that’s where babies come from.” Now some of us want to scratch the love part, tune into the freaky stuff, and pray for a period this month. I want it just as much as the next person but damn, do I need to see you post “mood” with a picture of a man eating ass at 8 in the morning? They say “cash rules everything around me” but I really think sex does.

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I was trolling on Twitter the other day and came across the above tweet. Naturally, I retweeted it because it resonated with me. I remember I tried to wait 6 months with my first boyfriend before having sex. He still ended up doing me wrong so it didn’t gain me his respect anyhow lol. G. L. Lambert, author of the blog “Black Girls Are Easy”, will be quick to tell you that Steve Harvey’s 90-day-rule is complete bs. I personally still think it’s a good idea to wait a few dates before giving up the punani but like the tweet says, there’s no manual to this! Whether its the first date or 3 months in, sex will always be a factor in dating. When, how, where, why – it matters to both men and women (even though we try to show “dick discipline” as Lambert calls it). So, I asked around to see where people my age stand on the topic; specifically their initial reaction to the tweet.

“I’ve dated a couple virgins and had wonderful connections. Yet after the sex they literally switched up.” – Lence

Lence gives us the typical story of sex not being a factor then it suddenly flipping everything on its head. The root of this problem is people, especially those who are new to the deed, overthink way too much post-sex. Does he still like me? Did she enjoy it? Doing this totally kills the situation before it even gets off the ground. The solution: Instead of assuming somebody feels differently after sex, feel their vibes. It’s only awkward if you make it awkward.

“No matter what we do, like a person could be a virgin, they could still think you’re a hoe.” -Monica

Monica’s response was to my question, “Do you think guys look at us like hoes if we give it up?” I asked this question because I feel like a lot of women out there still make choices about their sex life based on the current guy they’re with, not what they want but what they think he wants. Monica brings up the very good point that being a hoe isn’t about what you do anymore (except homie hopping, THAT is a no-no) but how you carry yourself.

“It doesn’t matter if I get it the first day or two months later. If I want you, I want you.” – Jermaine

Jermaine told me he used to think girls gave it up earlier because they were fast. Now he kind of thinks it means a girl is comfortable with him. Nevertheless, he agrees with the tweet’s point that waiting or not waiting doesn’t matter. The relationship lasts if you genuinely like the person.

“When you don’t really like someone you don’t mind it being just physical but when you really do like someone and are interested in developing some sort of relationship you want to make sure it’s more than just a physical relationship.” -Nadia

Nadia looked at the tweet from a “before” the relationship approach. Why do women give it up to men they don’t like but are stingy with guys they claim to like? There’s your answer fellas.

“Sex doesn’t save a relationship. I learned that the hard way. Best pussy almost gave me a case.” -Jo

Jo gives us the “during” a relationship perspective. Sex is part of a relationship but it sure isn’t everything. You’ve got to make sure you have a chemistry with a girl that goes deeper than her making you hard. Pussy is everywhere, a connection isn’t.

I showed 7 people – 3 women and 4 men – ages 20 to 24 that tweet. I received lengthy responses and plenty more quotes like the ones above. My friend D clapped back, “If I haven’t expressed to you that I want to be more than FWB then there shouldn’t be any confusion about where you stand in my life”. He’s a savage. Do we admire his bluntness when it comes to sex or is his response the new norm? “After [a relationship] is hard because you still have feelings for that person which makes it easy to keep f*cking them,” my friend Bec admitted. She’s telling us we can’t separate feelings and sex. Is that true?

I thought this post would bring me some clarity to how people my age feel about sex but only one thing became crystal clear: No time limit can be put on sex and sex cannot guarantee you a title. Everyone has to set their own precedents because unfortunately, there is no manual. Most did agree with the tweet, but how does it make you feel? Leave me a message in the comments below! Let’s talk about sex.

 

 

Advice to My Freshman Self

Hey guys, Christina here! I know I’ve been as ghost as James St. Patrick (if you don’t get the Power reference shame on you) but I’ve got a good reason, I promise. The semester has started so my schedule has been crazy. I can’t believe it’s my senior year and I’ll be out in the “real world” in just a few months. That degree is calling my name! But as I look around my campus one thing stands out to me: freshman. We’ve all been there – new, eager, naive, and trying WAY too hard. When I think back to my freshman year I so wish I knew what I know now. I’d tell my 2013 crop top, combat boot wearing self:

  1. Just because the dining hall is all-you-can-eat that doesn’t mean you need to eat all you can. The freshman 15 is real and so is the sophomore 20. Universities have this crazy place called the gym too!
  2. Worry about the library as much as you worry about parties. This isn’t Accepted. There will always be “turn ups” but it will be harder to turn up that GPA if you let it drop.
  3. Not everybody is your friend. Having the biggest, baddest squad on campus might seem cool but all those people hanging around need to be bringing you up instead of tearing you down. Is the kid who smokes every day going to help you study? Choose wisely.
  4. Your roommate does not have to be your best friend. Sure, it would be ideal, but there are so many other people on campus to get to know. Do you really want to sleep, eat, hang out and go to class with the same person every single day?
  5. Your friends freshman year probably will not be your friends senior year. People grow up. That’s life. No harm, no foul.
  6. It’s OK to commute. I know you might think you’re missing out but there are ways to be lit, not mooch off residents, and save money. Like, 10k for a twin XL bed and dining hall food is not worth it. Trust me.
  7. Don’t even bother with upperclassman of the opposite sex. They’re not trying to cuff you. They’re trying to devour you and your stupid self is going to let them smh.
  8. Going along with #7, don’t even date on a small campus. Too messy. Find someone nearby with a car. But if you’re going to date on campus, stay lowkey
  9. Thank your parents periodically for signing their life away in blood to Satan (Sallie Mae) next to yours on those outrageous loans.
  10. Make sure people know your name for a GOOD reason. Not for that one thing you did at that one party that one time. You know what thing I’m talking about.

College is literally the best and worst 4 years of your life all wrapped up into one. You lose friends, gain love, gain weight, and so much more. The amount of growth and maturity  between ages 18 and 22 is unreal. Dear freshman, don’t ever lose sight of what you’re really at school for – an education. Let the rest fall into place naturally. And lose the white Converse. They’re going to get trashed at the dirty house parties.

freshman-me

Freshman Christina. Who did I think I was?