Hey guys, Christina here. This past month has been crazy. If I told you everything going on in my life you wouldn’t believe me! So I’ll spare you and instead share with you my growing wisdom on the potential a new bae might have and those pesky red flags you refuse to acknowledge. In this post I have my good friend Erin Byers joining me who has plenty to say on the topic as well.
It’s pretty simple really. When you start to date someone new you cannot, I repeat CANNOT, ignore red flags. What are red flags? Erin and I would describe them as hints, clues, vibes, actions, words, or deal-breakers that allude to the fact that this is not the guy for you. There are some universal red flags: he cheated on his ex, he’s been locked up, she can’t keep a job. But everyone has their own personal red flags. For example, a red flag for me is if a guy has children from a previous relationship. Nothing against it, respect to the fathers out there but I am not ready to be a step-mom at 21. That’s just me. So no matter how much I like a guy that will always be on the “con” list for me. Erin says a red flag for her is the popular line “trust me baby.” My very wise beyond her years friend says:
The “Trust Me Babe” type of guy, is not a guy any female should be faithful to. This is a major key! So ladies, please take this into account. If you have ever had a gut feeling that your man is cheating. HE IS! Listen to your gut and the universe because it is a wake up call for you to bounce. Your significant other should never try to convince you into trusting him. It should be a natural feeling. “Life is but a dream. Don’t turn it into a nightmare.” – Jen Sincero.
I second what Erin says. Red flags are not only seen with our eyes but also felt with our gut. If you refuse to act on that gut feeling and instead put on your rose tinted glasses to block out the truth you can’t be mad at anyone but yourself when things blow up in your face. We’re not saying snoop for red flags like Scooby Doo on the first date. You won’t find anything anyway. Everyone puts their best foot forward in the beginning. Even you. Ladies, remember he said, “I’m glad you’re not crazy” over dinner and you just laughed cause you know damn well you’re crazy! You hid it though so he would like you. People can only keep up the act for so long until they show their true colors and it is up to you to be mindful of them instead of painting a different picture so to speak.
Now you may think, “So what if he has a kid Christina? It’s not the end of the world.” You may be right or you may be absolutely wrong when his baby momma is calling me to tell me to stay away from her man and her child. Instead of compromising on this deal-breaker because I like the guy I would simply chalk that up as a strike. I don’t care how much “potential” your new bae has. Three strikes and he or she should be outta there! Erin agrees by saying, “Never be afraid to put your happiness and well being before anyone. It’s the life you live so live it happily.” If you lower your standards or ignore your red flags you’re only hurting yourself. Because when you hit him with “you changed” or “why isn’t he nice like before” he’s going to say “I’ve always been this way” or “you knew what it was.” And guess what? He’s not lying. The real him never changed. His mask just got too heavy to wear anymore. Now those red flags you buried are popping up like groundhogs and you want to pretend you don’t know what’s going on. Girl bye!
A lot of us young ladies mess up by building a dream off of potential instead of taking the situation at face value. Men do this too. You make her laugh and she can take a joke then suddenly you discover she’s a psycho and “you’re childish” to her. I hate to put Erin on blast but she’s willing to share this anecdote with you all:
I dated a guy for a solid month and towards the ending of this short lived relationship I found out his “best friend” was a female he used to sleep with and talk to. I was baffled because I rather hear from my significant other the truth then to find out from others. Telling your significant other the truth saves you time and unnecessary drama.
Let’s use Erin’s situation as an example. 1) She saw him for what she wanted to see. A potential boyfriend. If you think something is up with that “best friend” of his (or her’s), look into it! Don’t ask them for answers because they’re going to tell you what you want to hear. And if you ignore that red flag you might as well put a bullet through your foot. 2) It was very early on in Erin’s relationship so she didn’t want to believe someone so nice could do something so foul. What did he have to lie for? Everything! If he told the truth he wouldn’t have a shot in hell.
In short, if you want things to work out and not see him on Instagram three months in with his REAL girlfriend (believe me it happens) you have to see things for what they really are, not what you want them to be. No male or female should alter their standards for somebody who doesn’t fit them. If it’s a red flag, it’s a red flag. It won’t change. I promise that if you wait for somebody to change for you, you’ll be waiting forever. How many times have I said on this blog that people can only change if they want to? Stop taking that “potential” and expecting a person to be who YOU want them to be. Accept him/her as he is or let it go. “He would be perfect if….” “She would be bad if….” Well she’s not. You get what you pay for. Ya’ll not hearing me and Erin though. Still sitting pretty behind those rose colored shades.
At the end of the day we choose to be in relationships. Nobody is tying our hands behind our backs making us do it. You can leave or accept it for what is it. If you’re going to put yourself out there, play it smart. Maybe you can look past the fact that he doesn’t have a car or he eats like a slob. But if there is anything that you can’t look past because it isn’t okay in your book, please don’t try to MAKE it okay. If you’re a few dates in and he’s not texting you back, what on Earth makes you think it will change when you’re his girl? If it’s your second time talking to her and you can tell she’s too emotional…leave. it. alone. The real sneaky ones might even pretend to change just to get you off their back/shut you up. Pay attention to these frauds!
Erin leaves you with this: As a young female, I think I can speak for many when it comes to heart breaks, lies and the antics of men. When developing as a female we all search endlessly for that picture perfect man. I have searched and still search for that perfect guy to sweep me off my feet, treat me like a princess and do right by me, but have yet to come across it. Now lets say you think you found the perfect man, the man of your dreams! If there’s a red flag, hunnttyyy run quickly.
We could speak on this topic all day long but if you don’t understand by now you’re the type who needs to read this again and again. Fellas, don’t think I forgot about you. All this
“potential” and “red flags” stuff can apply to you and that girl you’re trying to talk to too. This stuff is for all genders. It’s up to you guys to apply it. If you want to play devil’s advocate with Erin and I, we are happy to entertain it. Leave your comments below!